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Pilot/Transcript
This article is a transcript of the ''Pilot'' episode of ''Rick and Morty''. Transcript Morty’s room (Morty is asleep in his bed when Rick stumbles in, obviously really drunk, and turns on the lights.) Rick: Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... You gotta come with me. Morty: *rubs his eyes* What, Rick? What’s going on? Rick: I got a surprise for you, Morty. Morty: It's the middle of the night. What are you talking about? Rick: *spills booze on Morty's bed* Come on, I got a surprise for you. *drags Morty by the ankle* Come on, hurry up. (Rick pulls Morty out of his bed and into the hall.) Morty: Ow! Ow! You're tugging me too hard! Rick: We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Morty. Rick's ship (Rick drives through the night sky. Morty looks exhausted.) Rick: What do you think of this... flying vehicle, Morty? I built it outta stuff I found in the garage. Morty: Yeah, Rick... I-It's great. Is this the surprise? Rick: Morty. I had to... I had to do it. I had- I had to- I had to make a bomb, Morty. I had to create a bomb. Morty: What?! A bomb?! Rick: We're gonna drop it down there just get a whole fresh start, Morty. Create a whole fresh start. Morty: T-t-that's absolutely crazy! Rick: Come on, Morty. Just take it easy, Morty. It's gonna be good. Right now, we're gonna go pick up your little friend Jessica. Morty: Jessica? From my math class? (Rick puts an arm around Morty’s shoulders.) Rick: When I drop the bomb you know, I want you to have somebody, you know? I want you to have the thing. I'm gonna make it like a new Adam and Eve, and you're gonna be Adam. Morty: Ohhh…. Rick: And Jessica's gonna be Eve. Morty: Whhhh-wha? Rick: And so that's the surprise, Morty. Morty: No, you can't! *shoves Rick away* Jessica doesn't even know I exist! But- but, but forget about that, because you can't blow up humanity! Rick: I-I get what you're trying to say, Morty. Listen, I'm not... *spills beer down his shirt* You don't got… Y-You don’t gotta worry about me trying to fool around with Jessica or mess around with Jessica or anything. I'm not that kind of guy, Morty. Morty: What are you talking about, Rick? Rick: You- you don't have to worry about me getting with Jessica or anything. She- sh-she- she, she, she's all for you, Morty. Morty: I don't care about Jessica! Y-Yyyyyyyyyyou— Rick: You know what, Morty? You're right. *throws empty bottle into the backseat* Let's forget the girl all together. She, she's probably nothing but trouble, anyways. *presses a button* Robot Voice: Arming neutrino bomb. Morty: *unbuckles* That's it… that's it, Rick. I'm taking the wheel. (Morty jumps up on Rick and starts fighting with him over control of the wheel.) Rick: Get off of me, Morty! (They begin to talk over each other.) Morty: I'm taking charge of this situation, buddy! *starts kicking at his face while grabbing the wheel* I'm put—I’m, I'm, I'm, I'm puttin’… I-I’m, I’m, I’m not gonna stand around like some sort of dumb…dumb person and just le-let you ruin the whole world! Rick: (at the same time) Come on! What’s gotten into you? If you love Earth so much why don’t you marry it? *pushes Morty off of him* What are you, crazy? Alright, Alright, Morty! (Rick manages to push Morty off of him. Morty glares at him, furious.) Rick: Alright. I'll- I'll land. I'll land. I'll land. I'll land the thing. I’ll land the thing. Big tough guy all of a sudden. Desert (Rick lands the cruiser in an open desert. He opens the door and tumbles out among dozens of empty alcohol cans and bottles.) Rick: We'll park it right here, Morty. Right here on the side of the ree… road here. Morty: Oh, thank God. Rick: You know what? That was all a test, Morty. Just an elaborate test to make you more assertive. Morty: It was? Rick: Sure. Why not? I don’t, I don't know. Y-you know what, Mo- (Rick falls asleep and begins snoring.) Robot Voice: Neutrino bomb armed. Morty: Um... opening theme plays Smith residence, dining room (The Smith family sits around the table eating breakfast.) Jerry: I see there's a new episode of that singing show tonight. Who do you guys think is gonna be the best singer? (A very tired Morty falls asleep at the table, smashing his face into his plate.) Summer: Oh my God, his head is in his food. I'm going to puke. Beth: Morty, are you getting sick? (Morty lifts his head, clearly exhausted, and wipes food from his face.) I told you not to practice-kiss the living-room pillow. The dog sleeps on it. Morty: I wasn't kissing a pillow, mom. I just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Maybe my dreams were just too loud or something. Summer: Or maybe you were out all night again with Grandpa Rick. Jerry: '''What? '''Beth: '''Dad? '''Rick: What, so everyone's supposed to sleep every single night now? You realize that nighttime makes up half of all time? Jerry: Damn it! Beth: Jerry! Jerry: Beth! Summer: Oh my God, my parents are so loud, I want to die. Rick: Mm, there is no God, Summer. You gotta rip that band-aid off now. You'll thank me later. Jerry: *glaring at Rick* Okay, with all due respect, Rick What am I talking about? What respect is due? How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for high-concept Sci-Fi rigamarole? Rick: Listen, Jerry. I-I-I don't want to overstep my bounds or anything. It's your house. It's your world. You're a real Julius Caesar but I'll tell you something—tell you how I feel about school, Jerry. It's a waste of time. (Jerry stares incredulously at Rick.) Buncha people running around, bumping into each other. G-guy up front says, "two plus two." The people in the back say, "four." Then the—then the bell rings, and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or something. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. And I know that's not a popular opinion, but it's my two cents on the issue. (Rick wipes his mouth and gets up, stopping behind Beth and putting a hand on her shoulder.) Rick: This was a good breakfast, Beth. You really made the crap out of those eggs. I wish your mother was here to eat them. (Rick gives Beth a kiss and walks away. She tears up in joy.) Beth: Oh, Dad… Jerry: What? For real? (Morty's face slams into his plate again.) Ext. [[Harry Herpson High School]] Mr. Goldenfold: Alright, now, everybody get settled. Get away from the windows! Int. Mr. Goldenfold’s class Mr. Goldenfold: Now, look, we're gonna be dealing with some real serious stuff today. You might have heard of it. It's called math? And without it, none of us would even exist, so let's jump right in. Two plus two. All classmates except Morty: Four. (Morty, sitting in the back row, stares at Jessica, who sits in the front row, answering Jessica’s name for the questions.) Morty: Jessica. Mr. Goldenfold: Five plus five. All classmates except Morty: Ten. Morty: Jessica. (Jessica hears Morty and looks back, confused, not sure who’s saying her name.) Mr. Goldenfold: Okay, good. It's time for the quiz. Class: '''Awwwwww. '''Mr. Goldenfold: '''Yeah, you know what?! Aw, too bad! Tough! First row, take one. Pass it back for me. The stakes are high in this room. (Morty stares at the quiz. The numbers on the quiz jumble together as Morty falls asleep, entering a dream world filled with large number-shaped blocks. Jessica steps out from behind some of the numbers.) There's crucial things happening here every day. People getting smarter. Some of y'all getting dumber. Some of y'all ain't gonna see 3:00. '''Jessica: Hi, Morty. Morty: Whoa! Hi, Jessica. Jessica: Can I show these to you? (Jessica opens her shirt, showing Morty her boobs.) Morty: Wow. Th-they're both great. Thank you! Jessica: You know what I named these? My little Morties. Morty: *rubs the back of his neck* Uh, that's flattering… and a little weird. Jessica: Do you know what I want you to do with them? Morty: Rename them? Jessica: Squeeze them. Manhandle them. Give them the business. See if you can shuffle them. I mean, really get in there and knock them around. No wrong answers. Morty: Wow. Well, okay, Jessica. L-let's give this a shot. (Morty grabs her boobs and starts fondling her.) Jessica: Mm. Oh, Morty. What are you doing to me? Morty: Uh, I-I'm just doing my best. (In real life, class has ended and Morty is fondling Mr. Goldenfold.) Mr. Goldenfold: 'Morty! What are you doing to me?! '''Morty: '*sleep talking* Ah, Jessica. '''Mr. Goldenfold: Morty! Morty: Jessica. Mr. Goldenfold: '''Five more minutes of this, and I'm gonna get mad. (Mr. Goldenfold leans back and bites his lip.) '''Morty: Je-Jessica. Jessica. Mr. Goldenfold: Not my fault this is happening. Hallway (Morty is at his locker, where he is confronted by a bully, Frank Palicky.) Frank: Well, well, well. Morty; Uh, morning, Frank. (Frank pins Morty to his locker.) Frank: "Morning"? What was what is that supposed to mean? You making fun of me? Are you trying to say my family's poor? (Frank takes out a pocket knife and points it at Morty.) Morty: Oh, geez, Frank. I don't know if a knife is necessary. I mean, you know, y-you kind of had things handled without it. Frank: You telling me how to bully now? Big mistake, Morty... now I'm gonna cut you, 'cause my family's rich. (Frank suddenly freezes and Rick steps out from behind him.) Rick: There you are, Morty. Listen to me. I got an errand to run in a whole different dimension. I need an extra pair of hands. Morty: Oh, geez, Rick. W-w-what'd you do to Frank? Category:Transcripts